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Jake Shears is a Lesbian

I don't know why it took me so long to figure it out. Back in 06' I was just a fresh and morally sound twenty year old, staring wide-eyed into the magic picture box as a bleach blonde siren in pants tighter than twins swirled around the glamorous nebula of space, time and faggotry; his head bopped, oft disconnected from it's own body, to the consonance of guitars and kick drums while flashes of sex and power melted in to the distance… "he keeps repeating that he doesn't feel like dancing, yet he can't seem to stop dancing" I thought to myself as I wiped a bead of uncharted desire from my brow. I liked what I saw, yet I was too naive to know what it would become, a voice for the dancing dandy, a tool fit for a fairy, a step in the right direction perhaps. Until it dawned on me, Scissor Sisters… Jake Shears? Did I just discover the worst cover-up since Janet Jacksons Super Bowl outfit? 

So I asked him myself… Jake.. Lez be honest, Scissor Sisters? Really?... 

"It was when Babydaddy came up with the logo right away that we knew it was perfect. It was the combo of the two. And the fact that we were initially 2 guys," he said as I stared up in to the light and a long, angelic note held from an organ played in my head- 'oh right, of course, because… it's not like you're a secret lesbian or something, heh.. ahem…' 

All jokes aside folks, there were some deep, plaguing questions that Jake needed to be asked, questions humanity as a whole has desperately sought the answers to; heated, political, controversial and scientific questions, fit only for a deity or living philosophical savant, questions such as...

Nark: Marry, Fuck, Kill: Elton John, John Goodman, and Betty White.

Jake Shears: I mean, wow. Elton, is practically like a second father to me so I don't think any of those are really applicable. John Goodman happens to be my favorite living actor, so its really weird he's on here, so I guess maybe I would marry him if I needed to for some reason. I guess if I was going to lose my virginity with a woman, Betty White would make for a pretty great story.

(I think Jake just admitted he's a gold star gay, score)

N: What's the best way to tell someone that you have an STD?

JS: Well I guess it depends if you've had, or are about to have sex with them-- or if you just want to talk about it to the random stranger sitting next to you on the bus. 

If you've had or are going to have sex with a person, I think the best thing to do is either pick up the phone and call them, or find them in person and talk about it. Being scared to talk about these things is really last-century, and nothing to be afraid or ashamed of. Maybe it's good to  practice on your fellow bus riders. 

N: What's the longest you’ve gone without a shower?

JS: My freshman year of college I was in Los Angeles and I think I went a week. The heat was so dry, I found my skin to kind of develop this really nice dusty texture. I have some memory of a girl that was a bit older than me, beating me with a bar of soap and hollering really loud that I needed to "Wash [my] damn self."

N: Where's the most embarrassing place you've been without any underwear on?

JS: Its always the days in the gym my trainer makes me do jumping jacks, and its just kinda doing its own thing. 

N: You've been known to make guerrilla karaoke appearances around town. What's your favorite karaoke song?

JS: Yes I love doing surprise Karaoke appearances. Ill come into a place, hide in the back. Run up there and give it my all, and then immediately head to the EXIT. Cradle of Love by Billy Idol is my all time favorite song to sing... When I was about 19 or 20 in Seattle, I would sneak into karaoke night at R Place, and for some reason Im unsure of,  I was just totally obsessed with Billy Idol, so I had bleached spiked hair and wore a black leather jacket, and I would just get up and sing my brains out and then run for the door because it was pretty obvious I was not 21. I'm just realizing this now, but maybe that's why I always run out of the bar after Karaoke.

N: Do you use Scruff or Grindr? 

JS: Grindr is my fave just for the really amazing fake and hilarious profiles people sometimes post. And those profiles that really tell a story, just little clues in the pictures. I like a narrative.  

Social media is an awesome thing for being somewhere that you know absolutely no one. Twitter's great for finding tour guides and fun people to go to clubs with etc. when you're in a strange place. Often Ill show up somewhere and be like "What's going on tonight everybody?"

N: What's the worst thing you've ever done for money?

JS: Worked at Bimbo's.

N: Pick two celebrities to be your parents.

JS: Aw, my mom and dad are already celebrities in my eyes .... They're just the best. But if I was orphaned for some reason, I would want Charles Grodin and Leslie Anne Warren to adopt me. Primarily for their individual roles in the Great Muppet Caper and Clue. (Ok, Im a child of the 80's... A slightly strange child of the 80's).

N: What's the next big thing for you?

JS: Well, I just bought a house and am getting a bit more settled in Los Angeles, building a little writing studio and just making songs and seeing what happens. Also working on music for theatre and some film stuff as well. Making some dance music under the radar for fun, but just really excited to be writing more song songs. 

 

Well there you have it folks. Now how does the Pacific Northwest get the chance to blow kisses and throw panties at Jake? Well you're in luck, Jake will be attending and DJ'ing Gay City's annual Halloween eager, BUMP, this Halloween night (10/31) at Neighbours Nightclub (get tickets here), and of course Jake hates to hit the road without his sister gal and Scissor Sister tour DJ Sammy Jo. Oh, and, just for kicks, Alyssa Edwards is coming to perform, I hear tale of multiple costume changes and, well, I mean, it's fucking Alyssa Edwards, it's going to be a hoot. Throwing support to Jake and Sammy in the DJ booth is yours truly, Nark, and the disco man that looks good in leather, dj Trouble.

And if you are in Portland and don't know how to drive or take a train or bus, you're in luck, because Jake Shears and I will be hitting your town for Dickslap Portland on Sunday November 17th at Rotture (get tickets here), and you can get a taste of Sammy Jo's flavor this Saturday night (11/2) in Portland at Rotture for Jack Portland with special guest host Ben Delacreme.

GET2IT.

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